Dear Boobs – The Night Before My Mastectomy

Tomorrow is my mastectomy day. Having the liver resection was scary (and more dangerous) but I have to admit, this is scarier. I never saw my liver. I never really thought about it much. It always seemed to work well and that was that. Also, it grows back! I’m pretty sure it’s back to nearly 100% at this point. I saw it during an ultrasound of my heart on Friday and it looked well, as far as I could tell.

My breasts, however…. well, we’ve been through a lot together. They won’t grow back. They are quite a beautiful pair, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately, this is our last day together, and I’m very sad to see them go.

Here is my farewell letter…

Dear Boobs,
You have been an integral part of my life for about 22 years now. We’ve been through so much together, and even though the last 9 months have been incredibly rough, I’ve still enjoyed your company, just like I always have.

Unfortunately, on Monday we have to separate. I’m sorry that this is how it all had to end, but I do believe it’s for the best. You’ve been there for me through some amazing times in my life and you’ve been there through some of the most painful and heartbreaking. I just wanted you to know that you will be missed. This isn’t a separation I take lightly, and it isn’t how I ever wanted things to end between us.

I first became aware of you when I was about 12/13 years old. I never really paid attention to you before then. I had more important things to do…. like playing outside, making pots from the clay by the waterside, catching turtles, fishing… and then at some point I started to notice you. I remember getting my first bra and being so excited about it, but at the same time – I HATED IT. When I would raise my arms playing basketball, that stupid bra band would rise up above where you were *supposed* to be located and the bra would end up somewhere under my chin. It was so annoying, but you were still just too little to hold it down. Why was I even wearing a bra!? I guess I just couldn’t wait for your presence.

I was picked on a few times in junior high school for your still-quite-small size. I remember once taking my bra off after gym class because I couldn’t stand the constant pulling up anymore. I put it in my purse and forgot about it. Later that day, a friend was looking through my purse for some girly item… lipstick? I don’t remember. Before handing my purse back to me, she pulled the bra halfway out so the whole class would be aware that you were merely just a size A (or possibly AA!) I was mortified, but I would recall this story and laugh, as I got older and you were a more substantially sized D.

Without you, I’m sure getting hired at Hooters in 2000 would have been a little more difficult. Because of that job, I learned to overcome my extreme shyness and talk to people. It was basically a “fake it until you become it” sort of time for me and incredibly, it did help me learn to talk to people…strangers and at least pretend that I wasn’t petrified inside! I guess in a weird way, I kind of have you to thank for that.

The most amazing thing you did, was not for me, but for someone else. You were the only nourishment for my daughter, Sheridon, for about 6 months, and then you made sure she was well-fed for at least 2 1/2 years! She may not appreciate your sacrifice for her well-being at this point in her life, but one day if she decides to breastfeed her own children, I think she will. The painful 12 weeks you endured as you got used to a baby suckling on you every 3 hours is something I will never forget. I was so proud that I could do that for her and it was all because of you.

Unfortunately, a lifelong relationship between us just wasn’t in the cards. Some of our worst moments together began last April when I noticed you starting to change. “Left Boob” (henceforth known as LB) started getting bigger than “Right Boob” (henceforth known as RB). Soon, LB’s nipple started to pull in and I knew this was a sign that something dangerous was afoot. Since this time, I’ve been through multiple infusions and chemotherapy that ravaged my body in an effort to prevent the poison that had infected you from infiltrating more areas of my body. A liver resection was also done to remove the area to which the poison had spread. Now it all culminates with our separation.

Tomorrow will be the end of our 35 year relationship. You’ll be carved out and replaced with silicone copycats. Your nipples that were once there to help nurture and feed my beautiful baby girl will be gone. You will be gone. Hopefully, by having you removed, it will prevent further growth and spread of this horrible disease. At the very least, it will give me some peace of mind that the source of danger has been removed.

My dear LB, I forgive you. I know you had no say in what you’ve done to me. I know it wasn’t your intention and you were merely a conduit for whatever evil poison infiltrated your tissue. I am sorry that in my hopes to prevent more spreading of this terrifying illness, you have to go. My dear RB, I know you are simply an innocent bystander in this whole mess. You and LB were cut from the same cloth, and like Thelma and Louise, when one goes, so goes the other.

With great sadness, I must say farewell. I will miss you both. I will never forget you and what you’ve done for me and my daughter.
Love Always,
Blonnie